July 28, 2011

ALTERNATE HISTORY

I wrote an alternate history of Bob Dylan that involves a mystical llama, the Montreal Expos, George Peppard and the Doobie Bros.

ALSO: SOME FUCKING NAZIS STOLE ME AND WILLIAMS BIKE. Description and reward right there. The bike I could really give a shit about, but that baby bike seat and installation was a cool $300. WHO STEALS A BABIES BIKE?

Posted by jessica hopper at 10:36 AM | TrackBack

July 19, 2011

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This is what I was up to last July 20th. Pushing William into the world.
Seeing this little dudes precious face for the first time.
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This little dude who is walking as of todayish, whose mouth is full of teeth and addresses the cats with a high, panty sort of "heeeeeeaaaay".
Really, really, the best year of my life. So far.

Posted by jessica hopper at 09:57 PM | TrackBack

BP AND PS

"It's this kind of syndrome—where if a guy sees his girlfriend likin' somebody, that's called 'bitch-power.' Like Elvis Presley was hated by men, hated, 'cause he had bitch power. Teddy Pendergrass has bitch power, I just found out that I have a little bitch power. But beyond bitch power"—great album title, no?—"I have something else, that men like—and that's the truth, and the down-to-earth shit, OK? So men don't mind bringin' their women to see me, 'cause I have bitch power but it's in another way."

Bangs on Patti"Patti's heroes may be gone, but she is both with us and for us, so strongly that her music is something, finally, to rally around. For one thing, she has certain qualities that can make her a hero to a whole generation of young girls, and may not be what you think. Suffice to say that Patti has done more here for woman as aggressor than all the Liberation tracts published, and has pushed to the front of the media eye that is just as much a process (ordeal) of learning to "become" a "woman" as it is for men wrestling with all this ballyhooed "manhood" business. It's this tough chick who walks like Bo Diddley and yet is all woman that we've been waiting for for so long, a badass who pulls off the feat of being simultaneously idol of women and lust object of men (and women, no doubt)."

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July 18, 2011

July 13, 2011

WILDEST DOGZ

There a moments, all the time--daily--that you could never imagine happening before you had a baby. Things that you never dreamt in your wildest dreams. Like your son trying to shut the toilet lid on your head while you barf, and laughing, laughing hysterically.

I ate too many gummi bears while reading Star* on the bus on the way home from teaching a workshop at the library. Real party 'til you puke territory. Fifth and sixth graders, coming up with band names and albums for their imagined groups and such, who they would tour with, album art. Everyone wants to tour with Lil Wayne. Today's highlights: Swagger Like Us, who will only tour with Cash Money artists, had three songs: "SLU theme", "Life Style" and simply "Basketball". Their album had the Polo logo on it, but it looked like a little giraffe standing on a poodle. My favorite was the group 'The Really Good Rapping Dogz" and their album was called 'The Wildest Dogz U Know". TRGRD gets points for telling people what to expect, and the upsell of the "really".

* Kim Kardashian information I learned today: She drives a Shadow, just like Ice-T. Her wedding is now going to cost an estimated 20 Million Dollars, which seems actually impossible unless she is buying wedding dresses for everyone attending and serving a 70 course tasting menu. She was going to have two weddings, splitting up her 1000 guests, but now she is only having one wedding for them all. Also, in profile, in a funny way she looks like Lionel Ritchie, but her head is a perfect, smooth egg-bulb shape, so maybe like Lionel Ritchie with a pantyhose covering over his face. If I was 20 and in art school right now, I would be dressing up as her and making video pieces where I roll on the floor and rip a spandex butt-shaper to shreds with my teeth.


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July 10, 2011

WHERE WAS YOUR BODY LAST NIGHT?

I rode around in a car with Carmen Elle for like, what 11 days, once and I knew she could sing, sure, but I didn't know she could sing like this. I also like that towards the end, she has a Benetar growl-grain in her voice. This Army Girls 7" makes me mad that she hates touring to the point that she won't anymore. It's like she's taunting us to come to Toronto to see her band.

Too much doin' round these parts. Who wants to blog about the internet when you can strap the chicken helmet on your baby, throw him on the back of your bike and take off 'til naptime? The last two weeks I have been out of doors and busting my azz in the making-a-living department. Normally, in a month, I might pick up 3 extra assignments. Somehow, this month I have 9 and 7 of them were last week. I have 4 inch long baby sandals to buy, y'all. I cannot rest. I must put baby naptime to maximum use. My night times are a wasteland: per our movie reviewing blog I SAW THAT I cannot seem to catch a break and actually watch something decent (save for Friday Night Lights, natch, which I learned, via Facebook this weekend, that Alex Ross of the New Yorker is a fan so I feel like it's not total intellectual garbage if he's down for Riggins as well) though I did just power

POOP EBAYING AND ETSYING WITH MY HARD-EARNED OVERTIME RICHES. YOU'D THINK THIS MATERIAL GRRRL WOULDA' LEARNED BY NOW, BUT BROWSING ETSY AND FISHIN' IN THE EBAY NEVER GO AS PLANNED, DOO-DOO-WISE. UPS GUY WAS OVERWHELMED FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME BY THE VOLUME AND ODOR OF THIS WEEKEND'S DELIVERIES. WHO KNEW THAT "QUART" IS FRENCH FOR "METRIC TON?" NOT THIS POWER BUYER! C'EST LA MERDE. WHAT CAN BROWN DOO-DOO FOR YOU-YOU? QUITE A BIT.

ALSO, PRE-POST-POWER-SCRIPT: MY OWN PRIVATE GARY-HO ONLY KNOWS POOP JOKES. WHAT THE FUDGE? FINALLY OUTDID HIM TONIGHT WITH A HERPROVISED* PUNCHLINE TO THAT OL' SAW, "WHAT'S BROWN AND STICKY?" GET YR BOO-YAA'S OUT, PATRIARCHS.

*SRSLY, DOESN'T IMPROVISED SOUND TOO MUCH LIKE "HIMPROVISED"? MEN DON'T MONOPOLIZE OUR FUNNY BONES, LADIES! TAKE BACK THE COMEDIC NIGHT!


I went to go answer the phone and when I returned Matt has typed everything above in all caps. It's totally better than what I was going to write, so here it stands. I should really just let him guest blog as me.

Posted by jessica hopper at 09:28 PM | TrackBack