June 18, 2010


Ritchey reviews Cocktail: "Suddenly Tom Cruise is in Jamaica making drinks for tourists. He's real good at bartending! Everybody says so. Elisabeth Shue comes up and says her friend passed out on the beach. Tom Cruise helps the friend; Bobby McFerrin music plays; people with dreds are like "come on bwuoy she be dead and stuff!" Elisabeth Shue is wearing a black leotard. The next day Elisabeth Shue comes back to thank him, gets a free beer ("Beer! My kind of woman."). Suddenly British bartender frienemy shows back up. Apparently no hard feelings--they immediately start their old hilarious banter about getting pussy and what pussies each other are. Frienemy immediately starts messing around in Tom Cruise's life again, showing him the foxy millionaire lady he married who walks around in leather g-strings and french kisses everyone. Her name is "Carrie" which I misheard for the entire film as "Gary" but somehow didn't find that remarkable. British Frienemy tells Tom Cruise he's a working class asshole who doesn't know how to hustle. Tom Cruise laughs. British Frienemy is honestly being a real asshole but Tom Cruise doesn't seem to mind; Tom Cruise doesn't seem to have a single other friend on the earth. Frienemy bets him some bottle of fancy booze that Tom Cruise will be begging him for a job within a month. Tom Cruise of course takes that bet, because ha ha ha, why would he need a job? He's a great bartender here in JAMAICA LAND"

Posted by jessica hopper at June 18, 2010 10:05 AM | TrackBack