April 19, 2010

DOING IT TIL YOU DON'T KNOW

This morning I woke up to find out that my David Bazan story made it into DaCapo's Best of Music Writing 2010. Fourth time in six years, and yes, indeed I am keeping score/counting.

Congrats to west coast pal Nikki Darling for her inclusion--her essay about reconciling her Axl Rose obsession is something I had the pleasure of reading early on. It's one of those great tangles that you only start to pull apart in your mid-twenties reckoning, i.e. you dated those bad boys because you couldn't be Axl Rose. Proxy power mooching vs. the fear of actualized restless outlaw girl selves, or some dance with those similar steps. Or realizing you couldn't be Axl Rose simply because you denied yourself, or got scared because being the kind of free girl you dreamt of being would mean that the whole town/school/scene would call you a slut (or worse), even if you never fucked a single person ever ever, you would still catch hell. Everyone's real story is the chasm between the wildest dream and the living.

The other day Matt K and I were talking about regret. I never had any for a long time. Decades. And then I had a ton. There is still wishful thinking and a sense of time wasted. I did a lot with my time, but there was so much I never even attempted because I thought for sure I would be bad at it. Or good at it. This is why I never learned to ollie very well and why I didn't pursue writing as a legit career until I was about 28. At 28, I had been freelancing steadily for 12 years and publishing a zine, and I still was under the mistaken belief that I did not have what it took to be a writer. Matt convinced me I should try, and I did, and I realized about three weeks into "trying" that could have been writing full time for years, and my cowardice--fear of my own ambition got in the way. And that is my regret. That I lived without a sense of permission for so long.


Also, congratulations to friend and writer whose work I admire greatly, Sean Nelson, whose essay about the fucklessness of 90's indie rock deservedly made it into Best Music Writing this year, too.

Posted by jessica hopper at April 19, 2010 10:10 PM | TrackBack