March 16, 2010

ME AND THE LONESOME BLUES COLLIDE

Matt says he is jealous because now that I am a preggo, I get to pre-board the plane.

I bought a natural pregnancy guide book a friend suggested and it has a quote from Dune in it and said "Now, in your fifth month you will start to finally look pregnant" which is a real boggler of my mind. I no longer believe anything in the book as I have looked pregnant for the last 4 months and have been exclusively in "soft pants" for 3. I look like a cartoon, waddling with my hand on my back hip, though that's really just to try and press a bone back into place. I swear the sweet nameless dude in me kicked it out of place. I made Matt check to see it was not jutting from my hip like some heinous injury in a skate video. Like baby Ricky in Ricky right before his chickeny wing comes from his back. That would be kind of amazing, if I was knocked up and growing a wing out of the top of my butt, too.

Everyone says boys are supposed to invigorate you and clear up your skin with all their testosterone, but there is a boob-sized zit on my face and I am devigorated and I want to sleep like the bears in the "Bears of the Artic" episode of Nature (narrated by F. Murray Abraham). Polar bears just lay down in the snow and wait for it to cover them and then they sleep til they give birth around Christmas time and their baby bears only come out ONE POUND BIG. And they wrap around the little bear and nurse til it's springtime and then they dig out. Maybe I will just lay down and pile some laundry atop me, with a little space round the head so I am audible when I beg for snacks. I will rest and contemplate that there is someone with a penis who lives in me who is a stranger now but will be the center of my life from here on out.

Tomorrow I get to go to Austin and see almost everyone I know. That will be nice. I am lonely from being home puking all winter. And I will see them and we will be wearing t shirts and no coats at all. I am doing live TV at dawn--Good Morning Austin at 7:30 am on Thursday--in case you are awake with an infant or unable to sleep because the amount of cocaine you've done.

The man that cuts my hair told me a story about his sister going to SXSW last year and a drunk older man grabbed her ass and wouldn't let ago and she jerked around and started yelling at him and he wouldn't let go, and she turned back around and only then did she notice that he was totally naked and somehow had a stick coming out of his ass. Like an un-small branch. I hope that doesn't happen to me. Or anyone. Unless they want it to.

Posted by jessica hopper at March 16, 2010 06:11 PM | TrackBack