February 16, 2007

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I laid awake for an epic hour or two thinking about my nana and if in heaven she can see me. I got meaner and cry a lot more since right when she died and I wonder if that is because her spirit has come to reside in my spirit or just coincidence because thats how it goes when your grandma dies. Or if she is part in heaven and part in everyone that loved her. Or if she is all together someplace else, in a baby I don't even know, or a baby I will know one day. Because I went to her grave and I know she is not there. I got my memorial Z tattoo upon my bicep for her and it is healing and itches all the time and so I wonder what she is doing all the time rather than just wondering often. I think about her and wind up at the same thoughts: The last time I saw her I knew it might be the last and my car was just down in the parking lot and my camera inside it why didn't I go get it and take a picture? Why didn't I go visit again after that? If I ever have a baby they won't ever know each other. Can she see me and is she sad I am not married and do not have a family of my own? Does she know I feel ambassadorial for her and my living grandma and every time I do something they never did or could when they were my age, that I think about it as if I have scored for us as a team, even though I am here and the rest of the team is in heaven and Indiana? I have a bank account in my own name with my own money in it and it is for us. I spent all day yesterday trying to place an airport I remembered everything about but the city it was in (Cologne) because when I was there I made sure to take notes because they had never been to Germany. That today I woke up when I wanted to and read a book and made tea for myself and was under no obligation to make breakfast for anyone else and went back to bed to read some more because they cooked meals every day for decades whether they felt like it or not and fed animals and children and husbands with care from dawn on. Does she know that I live in sin with a man that occassionally "runs the sweeper"--(which I am positive is the main thing that impressed my nana about my stepdad, aside from him being a good dad, when she came for my graduation and saw him get serious with the vaccum and then talked about it every time his name came up forthe next 13 years) that when Matt vaccums, I think he is vaccumming for all of us.

Posted by Jessica at February 16, 2007 10:56 AM | TrackBack