January 15, 2006

WAKEFULNESS

First off, Happy Birthday Gusatvo Valentine DeWitt. One is a great age to be.
Secondly, welcome to Chicago, baby boy of Nate and his wife. Just born is also a great age to be. Baby boys with great parents, what a promise to the world.

35 is too cold for it. In 35 degrees-col air you can walk with with little purpose or direction. In 35 degrees cold air, objectless biking is too much. You may get warmer faster, stay warmer, but you stay acquainted with the wind, stay reminded of winter.

Today's point is productivity to exhaustion. Walk to exhaustion.Last two nights of sleep was unabiding nightmares. Got shot multiple times both nights. One time I all the way died, got dead in a dream. Normally, when I get shot in my dreams, I am in a crowd, the bullets miss me. But this time, I was alone, and the bullets were hot in my gut and leg. I staggered across the street and kept making the sign of the cross and in my dream praying for God to help me, or take me. Invoking god hard and gurgly choking on my blood. Face down on some sun bleached curb in Los Angeles. Once the bullets were in, it went black and white, and, strangely, I began crossing myself. How tacky, I thought, when I woke. How gaudy and theatrical and desperate! I was pissed--thats how the Catholics really want it, in your final hour or half minute of reckoning, you realize Catholicism as the the true-truest, and you panic, cross yrself, as you want to board the monorail to heaven.

When I talk about Catholics, I am not referring to you, or to Julianne or to my grandma or to The Catholic Workers Union, nor Craig Finn--you know, like the okay catholics. I am thinking of the asshole catholics, like the Pope and his posse.

But today is about the business of exhausting myself so I can sleep though the visitations of gunshots, dead kittens, cadavres, getting catholic in the death throes, hair pulling fights with mean girls in my dreams and walk til the anx is out and the brain lobes are soft and fetal again.

Posted by Jessica at January 15, 2006 12:07 PM | TrackBack