January 12, 2006

FICTIONAL BLACKOUTS

A public apology from our pal, noted local author, ( and drummer for the great-great band Functional Blackouts) Brian Costello:

Okay, so everybody's been investigating my memoir entitled "Asshole with a Boner," saying it didn't quite happen the way I said it did.

Did I really have a boner during the time this book was set? Well, let's just say I heightened what really happened for dramatic effect. I mean, who would want to read a memoir entitled "Asshole with Half a Chub?" Everybody gets those, even Oprah.

However, to clarify:

--In high school, I didn't smoke cigarettes. I just put that in the book because it gave my character "Brian" something to do during the downtime in the book. However, I did know friends of friends who smoked in high school and I based the writing on that.

--I didn't board a plane on PCP with my eyes gouged out and no idea where I was going. My eyes are okay except for the occasional bout with pollen, and I have never taken PCP. I always know exactly where I'm going when I board a plane, as does security, the ticket-takers, and pretty much everybody associated with the planes I fly.

--Speaking of that, I said in my memoir that Southwest Airlines was "a good airline." That was a mild exaggeration, to say the least. Southwest Airlines is a Greyhound Bus with wings. Fuck them.

--Breast cancer? Nope, never had it. But raising the question of whether or not there was a lump in my breast adds page-turning tension.

--This is not to say that I've never been a victim. One time in middle school, this kid Chuck Horne called me a "headbanger." He has since apologized, but the damage is done, obviously.

--Last year, I was indeed totally addicted to "Six Feet Under," the HBO series. I couldn't stop watching. I said in the book that "it interfered with everything I ever wanted to be." That's not quite right, because I still managed to get things done.

--I am, however, an asshole, and I stand by that and will take on any of you slanderers who want to say otherwise. I will not take this bullshit. My book helps people, asshole people, with boners, or even people who have thought about being assholes with boners.

--Also, just so you know, it's very important to note that EVERY SINGLE THING IN MY NOVEL "THE ENCHANTERS VS. SPRAWLBURG SPRINGS HAPPENED EXACTLY THE WAY THE NARRATOR BRIAN, ERR, I MEAN, SHAQUILLE, SAID IT DID. EVERY. SINGLE. THING.

Thanks to all of you who stood by me in this trying time. Bryan Hoben from the internet factfinding blog "finishmywine.com" (ha ha, more like finish my WHINE dot come, haw haw) says I didn't get a "mild scolding" from an Altamonte Springs Police Officer in 1989 for speeding through the Spring Oaks neighborhood. I will be suing him, and anybody else who doubts the absolute truth in everything I write.

Thank you, and stay gold.

Brian Costello
Victim/Writer

Posted by Jessica at January 12, 2006 04:31 PM | TrackBack