July 11, 2005

THE MONKEYWRENCH

We are in the home stretch of magazine making. Then the day it is done, Al and I leave for tour. Matt, just this morning said: "I'm concerned about Al driving" -- meanwhile, Al and Matt do not really know each other, but Al is, as it was put to me "well-known for his life-threatening driving style". I defended him, because real Al just drives with safety in mind - he will not drive above 55. When he drives, he does so pitched forward towards the wheel and constantly glancing from mirror to mirror. Al is good for night driving though, as he has no problem staying awake. His technique: Goading himself into a K-hole of Anxiety. He just thinks about the more worrisome relational problem, dissects it, and freaks himself out to the point of personal terror, infused every few hours by gas station coffee. This week Al is going to come over and I am going to show him how to run the iPod, so he can be an effective co-pilot as we scurry to Pittsburgh come weeks end. Please click on the "Al and JH tour" link and notify yr pals in those cities that we are coming to see them. Imagine this as the 23rd hour impassioned plea for help. This is the time where you imagine I am Bono, on the lip of the stage, crouching like a shitting animal in my leather pants and a $4000 Comme de Garcons pirate blouse, extending my ringed hand over the 14 foot security crevice and miming like I would maybe actually want to touch you, talking in a breathy and solemn voice about what we can make happen if we work together. Together, you and I, Baltimore, we can get people to our reading. Pittsburgh -- you get free vegan baked goods with paid admission - Together. You and Me. With. Our Hands. America. We... will eat. Cookies. Cookies that are made. Without milk. (guitar solo into infinity, cut to in-studio celebrity-staffed phone bank, Lou Rawls with his arm around a gently weeping Gary Collins - mouthing "WE CAN DO IT! WE CAN DO IT!")

Posted by Jessica at July 11, 2005 10:44 AM | TrackBack